(no subject)

[catslash]

Just a quick post to say: I'm okay. And thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post about my grandfather. I was surprised and touched by the compliments to my eloquence. I hadn't set out to write a eulogy; I was just writing things down as they came. I'm just glad they apparently came out well.

The memorial service was on Thursday. It was nice, family and friends. It wasn't overly formal, just friendly and sincere; the minister even told a joke relating to Grandpa's being a Red Sox fan. Grandpa was in the military, too, so there were a couple of soldiers (witness my total ignorance of military parlance!) there to perform a ceremony to honor him. They played Taps, which made me pretty much break down for a minute or two, and then folded a flag, with careful and solemn precision that Grandpa would have very much appreciated (I'm not especially patriotic, but thanks to Grandpa, I know how to treat a flag and it galls me to see one treated incorrectly), and presented it to Grandma. Then there was a gathering at Grandma's afterward.

And since then, work has eaten my brain. Tomorrow will be my fourth consecutive nine-hour shift, and then I have Tuesday off, thank god. I actually like this job - I work at an Italian sandwich shop - so it's not nine hours of hell or anything, it's just very tiring. And the walk home is mostly uphill. So I get home exhausted, RP some, and then I go to bed and of course have trouble falling asleep. I haven't had time to think of much else other than work.

Okay, and eerie: I am IMing with my aunt right now. The thing is, she's still at Grandma's, and Grandma is not computer savvy. Grandpa was the only one who went online, and they have AOL. So, yes, the first time I saw Grandpa's screenname pop up on my buddy list a couple days ago was very disconcerting. And it's upsetting to see it and know that it's not him and never will be again. I probably won't see it again after my aunt goes home, but I don't want it to go away either. I don't know.

So maybe I'm not as okay as I thought. I guess work eating my brain has been doing me a favor. But I'm dealing. It's the same thing everyone goes through when a loved one dies.

Comments

[maggiesox.livejournal.com]

You're going to see reminders of your grandfather in completely random places for the rest of your life. Eventually, it will stop giving you that tiny little flutter in your stomach and will become something that makes you smile.

Example: When we spread my dad's ashes in the White Mountains in New Hampshire, wing2j and my cousin and I were late hiking back down the mountain, and had to go back down in the middle of a thunderstorm and the pitch black with no flashlights. After my mother called Search and Rescue and after they told my mother that they wouldn't be able to do anything until the morning, my dad's younger brother (practically his identical twin, but then, we're Irish, we all look like each other) said 'fuck it' and headed up the mountain looking for us.

I will never forget coming down to the base of the mountain, drenched, hungry and on a total adrenaline rush from being completely terrified during a hike down a mountain in the complete dark, rounding a curve and getting a blast of light from a flashlight right in my eyes. Once I blinked and cleared the spots from my eyes, I saw my uncle charging up the path yelling my name. I was so shocked to see what looked exactly like my father surging out of the dark to 'rescue' us that I stopped in my tracks and sat right down on the ground. wing2j almost tripped over me, started to yell, looked up and just breathed '...What? How?'

It wasn't until my uncle grabbed my arm and started checking me for injuries that I realized it wasn't actually my dad. Still probably the most surreal five minutes of my entire life.

Point: It's also one of my best memories because of course it had to be my normally-cautious uncle Kevin (who would never DREAM of heading up a mountain alone in the dark usually) that was the one that headed up for us.

Those random reminders are going to make you smile soon, I promise.

[piney61.livejournal.com]

I dunno if I had gotten to you earlier but I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather *hugs*

So maybe I'm not as okay as I thought. I guess work eating my brain has been doing me a favor. But I'm dealing. It's the same thing everyone goes through when a loved one dies.

Something or other. It's a one day at a time thing. Some days will suck pretty bad but as time goes on, those days get fewer and fewer. Everybody has different coping methods whether it be getting drunk, immersing one's self with distractions, irrationality, and other things. It all varies on the person, but the important thing is that you just find someone to talk to because keeping it all bottled up really sucks and can backfires pretty bad(especially combined with alcohol). But that's just my own POV on that.

That's really all I got on that that I can say because I don't wanna come across as a complete asshat(I always fear about saying the wrong thing)

[comme-un-buddha.livejournal.com]

Sorry I'm not around to distract you, but it sounds like work's doing a good job of that. Just don't be too hard on yourself if it takes you longer than you think it should to feel "normal." It's weird, isn't it, how grieving happens in waves? So you think you're fine and then, BAM, oh yes, that's right, I'm sad. I know what you mean about the IM thing... my grandfather's name still comes up on the caller ID. Anyway, hang in there, chuck. My best to your family.