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customers_suck.
1. Do not drop your money on the counter. Ninety-five percent of people do this. Don't. It is rude and thoughtless. It will not kill you to hand your money over. In fact, it will make your cashier love you.
1A. Do not drop your money on the counter when your cashier has put her hand out. IT IS RIGHT THERE. We're not talking about a difficult target here, people.
Consequences: Your cashier will stare at you as though you are the stupidest human alive, while holding out hand and waiting for you to catch a clue. If you do not, you will be glared it, and don't even dare expect her to bag your two candy bars.
Note: If you realize why she is waiting, and correct your error (a quick "sorry" is also nice), you will be forgiven and smiled at.
2. I know the scratch lottery tickets are right at the counter. Aren't they shiny and colourful and an enticing waste of money?
The correct way to purchase scratch lottery tickets: At any point before your transaction is concluded. For example, when your cashier asks, "Can I get you anything else today?", you may wish to reply, "Yes, I would like two Battleship tickets, please."
The wrongwrongwrongOMGsowrong way to purchase scratch lottery tickets:: At any point after your transaction is concluded.
How to tell your transaction is concluded: Your cashier has given you your change and wished you a good day in a polite yet dismissive tone. This means that your cashier wants you to go away now, so that she can stock cigarettes/serve the next person in line/grab a couple bites of dinner. She does not want you to say, "I think I'll get a scratch ticket."
Consequences: Your cashier will mysteriously transmogrify from a polite employee to a surly, ungracious brat in hopes of transferring some of her deep annoyance from herself to you.
If there is a line of people behind you: You will get sent back to the end of the line. Yes, you. Yeah, you too. Oh, you don't want it now? Okay, have a nice day!
3. When your cashier asks you which of the four amounts owed for gas is yours, do not point and say, "The green Honda over there."
Consequences: Your cashier has all day to prompt you, over and over, to tell her the amount owed or the pump number. She needs the amount owed. Or the pump number. She can ring you up as soon as she knows the amount owed or the pump number. How much do you owe for your gas? Or what number pump did you use? . . . At no point will the cashier look out the window. The cashier will stare pokerfaced at you until you divulge the necessary information, or her coworker gets sick of listening to her and susses it out for your lazy ass.
How to make your cashier love you: Know your exact amount owed or the pump number. The display will show the amount. The pump will have a big-ass number on it. Pick one.
Note: This does not apply at all gas stations, as some will have you pump and then pay, and others vice versa. If in doubt, go with the pump number.
Note the second: Do not use this opportunity to drop the fact that you have an expensive car. "It's the Mercedes. You know. The Mercedes. The MERCEDES." Your cashier gives a shit, and will not hesitate to exchange a mocking look with the person behind you.
4. Do not put your purchases down close to you. The counter is wide. Your cashier may not mind reaching once, but she does mind reaching several hundred times a day.
Consequences: Minor. Your cashier understands that, from your perspective, the counter may not seem so wide, so she will simply ask you politely to move your purchases closer. She will even be polite if you need her to repeat herself.
Note: If you demand that she reach anyway, your purchases will be placed far away from you so that you must also reach. Don't be surprised if your soda is accidentally knocked over, and don't even try to get your shit bagged.
5. When you pay with a large bill and your cashier must verify its authenticity, do not (notnotNOT) chortle and say, "I just printed it this morning!"
Consequences: if your cashier is feeling nice, she will merely glare at you. If not, she will inform you that you are neither funny nor original. If she has no sense of humour, she will call the police.
If any of the above consequences result in your deciding to issue an empty threat to contact the cashier's supervisor, remember to get her name. She will probably give you a fake one, but at least she might worry for a couple of seconds after you leave before she and her coworkers start making fun of you.
customers_suck.1. Do not drop your money on the counter. Ninety-five percent of people do this. Don't. It is rude and thoughtless. It will not kill you to hand your money over. In fact, it will make your cashier love you.
1A. Do not drop your money on the counter when your cashier has put her hand out. IT IS RIGHT THERE. We're not talking about a difficult target here, people.
Consequences: Your cashier will stare at you as though you are the stupidest human alive, while holding out hand and waiting for you to catch a clue. If you do not, you will be glared it, and don't even dare expect her to bag your two candy bars.
Note: If you realize why she is waiting, and correct your error (a quick "sorry" is also nice), you will be forgiven and smiled at.
2. I know the scratch lottery tickets are right at the counter. Aren't they shiny and colourful and an enticing waste of money?
The correct way to purchase scratch lottery tickets: At any point before your transaction is concluded. For example, when your cashier asks, "Can I get you anything else today?", you may wish to reply, "Yes, I would like two Battleship tickets, please."
The wrongwrongwrongOMGsowrong way to purchase scratch lottery tickets:: At any point after your transaction is concluded.
How to tell your transaction is concluded: Your cashier has given you your change and wished you a good day in a polite yet dismissive tone. This means that your cashier wants you to go away now, so that she can stock cigarettes/serve the next person in line/grab a couple bites of dinner. She does not want you to say, "I think I'll get a scratch ticket."
Consequences: Your cashier will mysteriously transmogrify from a polite employee to a surly, ungracious brat in hopes of transferring some of her deep annoyance from herself to you.
If there is a line of people behind you: You will get sent back to the end of the line. Yes, you. Yeah, you too. Oh, you don't want it now? Okay, have a nice day!
3. When your cashier asks you which of the four amounts owed for gas is yours, do not point and say, "The green Honda over there."
Consequences: Your cashier has all day to prompt you, over and over, to tell her the amount owed or the pump number. She needs the amount owed. Or the pump number. She can ring you up as soon as she knows the amount owed or the pump number. How much do you owe for your gas? Or what number pump did you use? . . . At no point will the cashier look out the window. The cashier will stare pokerfaced at you until you divulge the necessary information, or her coworker gets sick of listening to her and susses it out for your lazy ass.
How to make your cashier love you: Know your exact amount owed or the pump number. The display will show the amount. The pump will have a big-ass number on it. Pick one.
Note: This does not apply at all gas stations, as some will have you pump and then pay, and others vice versa. If in doubt, go with the pump number.
Note the second: Do not use this opportunity to drop the fact that you have an expensive car. "It's the Mercedes. You know. The Mercedes. The MERCEDES." Your cashier gives a shit, and will not hesitate to exchange a mocking look with the person behind you.
4. Do not put your purchases down close to you. The counter is wide. Your cashier may not mind reaching once, but she does mind reaching several hundred times a day.
Consequences: Minor. Your cashier understands that, from your perspective, the counter may not seem so wide, so she will simply ask you politely to move your purchases closer. She will even be polite if you need her to repeat herself.
Note: If you demand that she reach anyway, your purchases will be placed far away from you so that you must also reach. Don't be surprised if your soda is accidentally knocked over, and don't even try to get your shit bagged.
5. When you pay with a large bill and your cashier must verify its authenticity, do not (notnotNOT) chortle and say, "I just printed it this morning!"
Consequences: if your cashier is feeling nice, she will merely glare at you. If not, she will inform you that you are neither funny nor original. If she has no sense of humour, she will call the police.
If any of the above consequences result in your deciding to issue an empty threat to contact the cashier's supervisor, remember to get her name. She will probably give you a fake one, but at least she might worry for a couple of seconds after you leave before she and her coworkers start making fun of you.
