(no subject)

[catslash]

Edit: Because LJ reads line break coding weird, the too-wide spacing made the end get cut off. So, I fix.

Anji and I were reading yahtzee63's Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy, and we got a bit inspired.


MorrisonsRedhead (Anji): I think it would be funny if [the Fab Five] did Lestat.

Askewnislasher(me): Yes. But which Lestat? Book!Lestat? Tom Cruise!Lestat? Stuart Townsend!Lestat?

MorrisonsRedhead: Book Lestat. he is infinitely superior.

Askewnislasher: But of course. But which one is most deserving of the Fab Five? I think Stuart Townsend!Lestat could stand the be taken down a peg or six. Kyan: "Your complexion. You're . . . gray. I don't know if I can do this."
MorrisonsRedhead: Stuart: "......"

Askewnislasher: Carson: "You were so dapper when you were playing Johnny Depp playing Dorian Gray! We need to kind of get back to that look. Rock star does not have to equal trashy."


MorrisonsRedhead: Stuart leaves, presumably to apply more Brylcreem to his hair

Askewnislasher: Kyan: "NO! Do not let him . . . oh, fuck it. I'm gonna need some of that Sparrow guy's rum before I can go a step further with this."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat walks in, grinning "Well, aren't you pretty."

Askewnislasher: Ted, from the kitchen: "This guy has nothing. I know I say that a lot, but I mean it. Nothing. Why bother with a fridge?" walks into living room "Seriously, I'm with Kyan. Where's the rum? Wait, who let this guy in?"
Jai: ". . . I think this is the guy." tilts his head "No." blinks "Wait. Yes. . . . no . . ."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat grins "Oui, it is I, le vampire Lestat."


Askewnislasher: Thom, distracted from mentally measuring the room: "Vampire? Nobody ever told me about a vampire."
silence
TED: ". . . That explains the red wine gone horribly wrong."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat: "Forgive me, cher. That was not meant for you."

Askewnislasher: Jai: ". . . no . . . wait, there was another guy, right?"
Carson circles Lestat, taking in the wardrobe "See, now isn't this better?"

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat looks slightly irritated "Are you implying something?"

Askewnislasher: Carson, sympathetic: "Aw, you've repressed already? I understand."
Jai: ". . . so, it is the same guy?"

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat: "Non, I am not that . . . abomination." waves his hand in Stuart's direction, then turns his attention to Carson "Repressed? I would think not. Just ask any of my boyfriends."

Askewnislasher: Carson goes wide-eyed and starts to flirt, but Kyan cuts him off "Okay, wait a second, red alert, back away. This is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

MorrisonsRedhead: Nicki pops in "What's this about me?"

Askewnislasher: Kyan mutters "I wish our factcheckers would get their heads out of their asses. Gay or straight! It's not that hard, guys!"
Carson slings an arm around his shoulders "It's not a total waste of time. Just think . . ." gestures to Nicki, then to Lestat ". . . those two sleep together . . ."
Kyan takes a second to let the visuals sink in "Good point."

MorrisonsRedhead: Nicki beams "It is Nicolas Appreciation Week, you know." runs a hand through his long dark curls
Lestat: ". . . I appreciate you all the time! See?" grabs Nicki and kisses him deeply
Nicki grabs Lestat's ass

Askewnislasher: The Fab Five is suddenly quite still, intense with concentration, the silence broken only by a soft whisper from Jai "I love our job."

MorrisonsRedhead: Louis walks in, sees the two of them playing Twister with their tongues, and throws a fireplace poker at them both "Lestat!"
Lestat rubs his head "Ow. What was that for?"
Louis: "I see. I disappear for three weeks and you go back to that . . . tart."
Nicki: "Tart? TART?! Excuse moi, Monsieur le Plantation Owner, I am a MUSICIAN."
Louis: "Some musician. You play your violin like a carpenter saws into wood."
Nicki: "Oh, that is IT." kicks Louis in the shin with his combat boot

Askewnislasher: Carson: "Ooo, meow. Tell me someone has popcorn."

MorrisonsRedhead: Louis shrieks and hops around on one leg
David wanders in, acts very Britishly unsurprised "My word, what is going on?"
Nicki points at Louis "He's a bitch."
Louis points at Nicki "He's a slut."
Lestat points at them both "They won't let me do them at the same time."

Askewnislasher: the Fab Five sit on the couch to watch the show, Carson cheerfully sprawling over Kyan and Thom
Jai, to the camera crew: "Do not stop filming."

MorrisonsRedhead: David: . . . sighs and sits down next to the other men "Hello. I'm David. And believe me, this is nothing new."

Askewnislasher: Thom: "Speak for yourself. We haven't gotten a decent catfight since the time Carson switched Kyan's face products all around."
Kyan: "Which I still owe you for."
Carson: "Mmm, I've been a very naughty boy, haven't I?"

MorrisonsRedhead: Louis punches the shit out of Nicki
Nicki starts kicking Louis and won't stop
Lestat: "Why can't we all just get along?"
Louis and Nicki glare at him, then go back to fighting
Armand wanders in, sees the situation "Ooh, a fight!" runs up to Louis and whispers in his ear "Nicki has Superman underwear." then runs over to Nicki to whisper in his ear "Louis watches Sanford and Son obsessively." stands next to Lestat, looking pleased

Askewnislasher: Ted: "And the plot thickens. I wish that had been real wine."

MorrisonsRedhead: Louis grabs for Nicki's pants, which are already incredibly tattered
Nicki stops dead, grins "I always knew you wanted me, Ragin' Cajun."
Louis, disgusted: "I do not want you, you damn hack. I just wanted to see if you really have Superman underwear."
Nicki: "And if I did?"
Louis: ". . . then I would be forced to steal them from you."

Askewnislasher: Jai, helpfully: "Because he wants to see you naked."
Carson reaches over to smack him on the shoulder "Observe! Never participate! What have we talked about?"

MorrisonsRedhead: Nicki: "Why on earth...?" looks puzzled
Louis: "Because I plan to . . . well, actually, I do not have a plan." smacks Nicki for the hell of it
Armand, helpfully: "Don't forget to pull his hair."
Nicki narrows his eyes
Louis looks suspicious
Nicki and Louis look at each other, then Armand, then at each other
Armand: "Eep."
Nicki and Louis each grab Armand, then toss him out the door and far, far away
David silently cheers

Askewnislasher: Carson, to Jai: "Because that can happen."
Jai: "Right."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat: "We are vampires. Armand was not hurt. He'll probably come back in an hour, begging one of us for sex."
Nicki: "He ain't getting it from me!"
Louis: "Your grammar makes my head hurt. New Yorkers . . . mon Dieu . . ."
Nicki: "Shut up, Creole King."
Lestat: "Is it okay if I give Armand the sex?"
Louis and Nicki: "NO."

Askewnislasher: Carson: "Well, if you're looking for volunteers . . ."
Jai: "What did we just talk about?"

MorrisonsRedhead: David: "Trust me, you don't want to. Sex with Armand is like pulling teeth. It is most unpleasant, but has to be done at least once in a man's life."

Askewnislasher: Kyan, ever the groomer, massaging his jaw: "Then you're doing something wrong."

MorrisonsRedhead: Louis: ". . . seriously. He's . . . how do I put this nicely?"

Lestat: "He's the worst lay I've ever had."
Nicki glares "You would know."
Lestat: "I'm not going to deny that. And besides, you told me yourself how bad you thought he was."
Nicki: "Okay, yeah, he sucks. Wonder why Marius never told him that."
Louis: "It would destroy his already fragile ego?"
Nicki: "Oh, yes, that thing. Whatever."

Askewnislasher: Carson: "Thanks for the warning. See, that's why it's called the queer community. We know, we share . . ."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat: deadly glare "I didn't ask you, chér."

Askewnislasher: Thom: "So few people do. I don't think he knows what that means."

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat: You do know that all four of us possess very sharp fangs that could potentially rip your throats out should we grow tired of you . . . right?"

Askewnislasher: The Fab Five spring to their feet
Kyan claps, business-like, at the camera crew "That's a wrap, guys. Let's go. Next target."
And the Five are out the door faster than you can say "sale at Armani"

MorrisonsRedhead: Lestat, David, Nicki, and Louis burst into laughter
Lestat: "Gay men. So easily fooled . . . now let's all have sex."
David: "Good plan, mate."
Louis: "Oui."
Nicki: "Yo."
they strip

THE END

Comments

::rolls over laughing::

[(Anonymous)]

LEAVE MY STUART ALONE!!! Other than that, wonderful. Reminds me of the RPGing we used to do...and with you as well, Anji... But damn, do you two nail this one on the head.
~Ragna

Re: ::rolls over laughing::

[(Anonymous)]

She left out the part where I had the guys talking about Stuart's brown eyeshadow, greasy hair, and hairy nipples.

~Anji

Re: ::rolls over laughing::

[(Anonymous)]

::pouts:: Oh, shut up. ::sticks tongue out at Anji::
~Ragna

Re: ::rolls over laughing::

[(Anonymous)]

You're just mad because you didn't think of it first.

Come on, you know you did.

Gad, I'd take Tom Cruise any day, the Peter Pan wannabe that he is. Believe in pixies! (http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan)

~Anji

[thenillawafer.livejournal.com]

*snorts* BWAH.

*waves* Heya. I'm Anji's girlfriend. Mind if I add you?

[catslash.livejournal.com]

Hi, Regan! Not at all. She talks so much about you I practically know you, so we may as well friend each other. =)

[thenillawafer.livejournal.com]

Yay! All added. ^_^

Baby, you kill my kidneys...

[(Anonymous)]

...with the FUNNY.

That...that.... boy howdy. I think... I'm gonna print it out and hang it in the bathroom.

....*inches sheepishly back into the realm of Goode People Who Communicate With Others and Don't Run With Cutting Implements Etc*...bah.

(hi)
and LOVE!
B (the short one who flails her arms a lot)

Re: Baby, you kill my kidneys...

[catslash.livejournal.com]

B! B! Dude, I've missed you! I need your number. I called the old one on the off chance that it still might reach you and the girl who answered was very nice and even tried to remember what floor you were on. =)

So. Number please. And, and, are you going to Mythhaven?