Whoa. Deadjournal is now requiring codes to join, just like Livejournal. I got here just in frigging time, man.
In other news . . .
Movie to gape at in amazed disbelief: Body of Evidence. It features pre-Lourdes Madonna (the movie was made in 1992) as a cardboard cutout - uh, I mean, as Rebecca Carlson, the S&M enthusiast accused of murdering her (much) older lover with sex; Willem Dafoe as Frank Dulaney, the Worst Lawyer Ever; Joe Montegna as Robert Garrett, the DA who has apparently never heard English spoken by a native (but then, neither have the screenwriters); and Anne Archer as Joanne Braslow, the Bringer of Plot Twists.
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and in that wonderful, giddy way. The way where you miss most of it the first time around because you're busy screaming at the characters when you're not laughing at them. I watched it twice last night because I missed so much of it on the first viewing. Everything is just so wrong, I don't even know where to begin. But I'm going to try anyway.
For starters, since this is a Sexpot Madonna period movie, there's sex. Lots of it. Mainly with Willem's character. (Sadly, the movie is so inept that this is not exciting in the least.) And since her character is into S&M and is bent on bringing out the same qualities in Willem's, it's fairly kinky. There's bondage, hot wax (in a scene that is not so much erotic as it is a cause for questions like, How can there be so much melted wax in that candle when she's only been in her house for maybe seven minutes? and, How long will it take him to get all that wax out of his pubic hair in the morning?) and, at one point, broken glass. And we see lots of Madonna. No, make that we see all of Madonna. Many times. However, since the sex scenes are more Cinemax-at-midnight than rental porn, we don't get to see Willem's naughty bits. At first I was sad, but now I'm okay with it, because it means I can use my imagination when I slash his characters.
And another thing. Everything you have heard is true: Madonna can't act. Except it's worse than that. Not only can she not act, she can barely convince us that she's on the set. She is the Anti-Stage Presence. She is a black hole, sucking all nearby actors dry of their talent and charisma. Even Willem, whom I had heretofore believed could be enjoyable in anything (I liked him in Speed 2, for god's sake) and could generate white-hot chemistry with a brick wall, is rendered pretty much useless by the sheer force of Madonna's suck. He and the other actors manage to recover themselves whenever she's not onscreen, but it doesn't matter, because they haven't a chance in the battle against the unbelieveably clumsy script.
There is so much more to say. I could go on and on about Dulaney's utter uselessness in the courtroom, about Garrett's bizarre mangling of the English language, about the writers' inability to explain things fully and their tendency to leave an awful lot of stuff up to the viewer to fill in, about how Madonna's sexiness is absolutely nowhere to be found at any point in this movie. In fact, I probably will, because I'm feeling one of my bad movie reviews coming on. Until then, I'll leave you with this review to ponder. The reviewer, Ken Begg, hated BoE as much as I loved it, which makes for a hilarious review. He takes a few cheap shots at Willem for his (Willem's) lack of conventional attractiveness, but aside from that, it's a wonderful read. I highly recommend that you explore the rest of the site when you're done.
In other news . . .
Movie to gape at in amazed disbelief: Body of Evidence. It features pre-Lourdes Madonna (the movie was made in 1992) as a cardboard cutout - uh, I mean, as Rebecca Carlson, the S&M enthusiast accused of murdering her (much) older lover with sex; Willem Dafoe as Frank Dulaney, the Worst Lawyer Ever; Joe Montegna as Robert Garrett, the DA who has apparently never heard English spoken by a native (but then, neither have the screenwriters); and Anne Archer as Joanne Braslow, the Bringer of Plot Twists.
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and in that wonderful, giddy way. The way where you miss most of it the first time around because you're busy screaming at the characters when you're not laughing at them. I watched it twice last night because I missed so much of it on the first viewing. Everything is just so wrong, I don't even know where to begin. But I'm going to try anyway.
For starters, since this is a Sexpot Madonna period movie, there's sex. Lots of it. Mainly with Willem's character. (Sadly, the movie is so inept that this is not exciting in the least.) And since her character is into S&M and is bent on bringing out the same qualities in Willem's, it's fairly kinky. There's bondage, hot wax (in a scene that is not so much erotic as it is a cause for questions like, How can there be so much melted wax in that candle when she's only been in her house for maybe seven minutes? and, How long will it take him to get all that wax out of his pubic hair in the morning?) and, at one point, broken glass. And we see lots of Madonna. No, make that we see all of Madonna. Many times. However, since the sex scenes are more Cinemax-at-midnight than rental porn, we don't get to see Willem's naughty bits. At first I was sad, but now I'm okay with it, because it means I can use my imagination when I slash his characters.
And another thing. Everything you have heard is true: Madonna can't act. Except it's worse than that. Not only can she not act, she can barely convince us that she's on the set. She is the Anti-Stage Presence. She is a black hole, sucking all nearby actors dry of their talent and charisma. Even Willem, whom I had heretofore believed could be enjoyable in anything (I liked him in Speed 2, for god's sake) and could generate white-hot chemistry with a brick wall, is rendered pretty much useless by the sheer force of Madonna's suck. He and the other actors manage to recover themselves whenever she's not onscreen, but it doesn't matter, because they haven't a chance in the battle against the unbelieveably clumsy script.
There is so much more to say. I could go on and on about Dulaney's utter uselessness in the courtroom, about Garrett's bizarre mangling of the English language, about the writers' inability to explain things fully and their tendency to leave an awful lot of stuff up to the viewer to fill in, about how Madonna's sexiness is absolutely nowhere to be found at any point in this movie. In fact, I probably will, because I'm feeling one of my bad movie reviews coming on. Until then, I'll leave you with this review to ponder. The reviewer, Ken Begg, hated BoE as much as I loved it, which makes for a hilarious review. He takes a few cheap shots at Willem for his (Willem's) lack of conventional attractiveness, but aside from that, it's a wonderful read. I highly recommend that you explore the rest of the site when you're done.
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